A Newfangled Christmas Read online

  How could I break the terrible news to the Elves? I wondered. I couldn’t. Not now at least. They wouldn’t understand. Even worse, they’d think I’d gone wacko. No, I’d have to come up with a plan, I thought, as I silently backed out the door and headed up the hill toward the house again.

  My heart was heavy as I trudged along. I love all the boys and girls in the world and want them to have the merriest Christmas ever. It will break my heart if they don’t. I’m also an old fashioned kind of guy with a bunch of old fashioned Elves who don’t know any more about tockniligy or takquoligy than I do. How could I possibly make this Christmas have a happy ending? What on earth was I going to do?

  Chapter 5

  A TECHIE TO THE RESCUE

  Of course The Missus knew what to do.

  “Hire a techie,” she piped up as soon as I’d gotten the explanation of the disaster out of my mouth.

  There she goes again, I thought. Using words I don’t understand.

  I just stood there for what seemed like an hour, but it was probably only a couple of seconds. Then I sighed.

  “Okay. I give up. What in tarnashion is a techie?” I snorted.

  She gave me a smug look. “A techie,” she began in her best school teacher voice, “is a person who understands technology.”

  “Can he make toys? That’s what I need, someone who can make those dadblasted electronic toys that grow up right in front of your eyes and bark to be petted and twirl hoola hoops around their middles.” I grumped. “Can your techie do that?”

  “He can do better than that,” she said. “He can teach the Elves to do it.”

  “Hmpf,” was all I answered, but I was thinking it over. It might be worth a try. If he really could teach the Elves the way she said he could. I walked over to the fireplace and warmed my hands over the fire. I just couldn’t imagine MY Elves turning out such far-fetched toys. But, of course, I couldn’t disappoint all those boys and girls. They were depending on me.

  “So where could we get one of these...these techies?” I asked.

  The Missus patted my cheek and handed me a mug of hot tea. “You just let me handle it, dear,” she said with a reassuring smile.

  I smiled back. I can’t tell you how good it felt to have someone else solve that particular problem. I had been afraid I couldn’t. And then, what would I have done?

  Of course, there aren’t many problems that I can’t handle, I reminded myself and sipped my tea.

  The next morning when I got down to breakfast a young man was sitting at the table with The Missus.

  She brightened when she saw me come into the room. “Santa, dear, this is Nerdy, our techie. He can’t wait to meet the Elves.”

  “Er...um...well, hello, Mr. Nerdy,” I said as I looked him up and down. He was tall and as skinny as a buggy whip. He had four or five earrings in each ear lobe and a brown pony tail hanging down his back. He wore blue jeans and a scraggly sweat shirt.

  “It’s a pleasure, SC,” he said. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  So this is what a techie looks like, I thought in amazement. He didn’t look much over twelve, if he looked a day. I could probably still find his name in my ledger. Must have been only a couple of years since I delivered his toys.

  The Missus was beaming. “Nerdy is not only my computer teacher, but he knows all there is to know about electronic toy making. Why, he’s a graduate of The National Academy of Robotery and the Wizard’s Electronic Institute, just to mention a couple of the schools he’s attended. Isn’t that right, Nerdy?”

 

  “That’s right, Ma’am. And I’m also a member of MESS,” the techie said proudly.

  “MESS?” I sputtered. “What the dag nab does that mean?”

  “Why, that’s Masters of Electronic Structural Success. It’s a very important technology organization. There are over two-hundred thousand members worldwide. It’s an honor to be one of them.”

  My mind was spinning. I felt as if there was a tornado loose in my brain. A twelve-year old boy who belonged to MESS!

  Suddenly the idea struck me funny. I felt a big guffaw of a laugh building up in the back of my throat. It was threatening to explode out my mouth any instant. I swallowed it down the best I could and high-tailed it for the back door.

  “I’ll go tell the Elves you’re here,” I called back over my shoulder as I disappeared through the door.

  My laughter didn’t last long, though. As I tramped through the snow toward the workshop, a sobering question was flashing in my mind like a neon sign. How was I going to convince the Elves to let Nerdy teach them how to build newfangled toys? They’re like me, old fashioned kind of guys. A couple of them are over four-hundred years old! They’re not going to let some whipper-snapper like this Nerdy fellow teach them new tricks.

  It never fails, I thought with a sigh. Just when I think things are finally working out, I’ve got a whole new predicament to deal with.

 

  Chapter 5

  A TECHIE TO THE RESCUE

  Of course The Missus knew what to do.

  “Hire a techie,” she piped up as soon as I’d gotten the explanation of the disaster out of my mouth.

  There she goes again, I thought. Using words I don’t understand.

  I just stood there for what seemed like an hour, but it was probably only a couple of seconds. Then I sighed.

  “Okay. I give up. What in tarnasion is a techie?” I snorted.

  She gave me a smug look. “A techie,” she began in her best school teacher voice, “is a person who understands technology.”

  “Can he make toys? That’s what I need, someone who can make those dagblasted electronic toys that grow up right in front of your eyes and bark to be petted and twirl hoola hoops around their middles.” I grumped. “Can your techie do that?”

  “He can do better than that,” she said. “He can teach the Elves to do it.”

  “Hmpf,” was all I answered, but I was thinking it over. It might be worth a try. If he really could teach the Elves the way she said he could. I walked over to the fireplace and warmed my hands over the fire. I just couldn’t imagine MY Elves turning out such far-fetched toys. But, of course, I couldn’t disappoint all those boys and girls. They were depending on me.

  “So where could we get one of these...these techies?” I asked.

  The Missus patted my cheek and handed me a mug of hot tea. “You just let me handle it, dear,” she said with a reassuring smile.

  I smiled back. I can’t tell you how good it felt to have someone else solve that particular problem. I had been afraid I couldn’t. And then what would I have done?

  Of course, there aren’t many problems that I can’t handle, I reminded myself and sipped my tea.

  The next morning when I got down to breakfast a young man was sitting at the table with The Missus.

  She brightened when she saw me come into the room. “Santa, dear, this is Nerdy, our techie. He can’t wait to meet the Elves.”

  “Er...um...well, hello, Mr. Nerdy,” I said as I looked him up and down. He was tall and as skinny as a buggy whip. He had four or five earrings in each ear lobe and a brown pony tail hanging down his back. He wore blue jeans and a scraggly sweat shirt.

  “It’s a pleasure, SC,” he said. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  So this is what a techie looks like, I thought in amazement. He didn’t look much over twelve, if he looked a day. I could probably still find his name in my ledger, Must have been only a couple of years since I delivered his toys.

  The Missus was beaming. “Nerdy is not only my computer teacher, but he knows all there is to know about electronic toy making. Why, he’s a graduate of The National Academy of Robotery and the Wizard’s Electronic Institute, just to mention a couple of the schools he’s attended. Isn’t that right, Nerdy?

 

  “That’s right, Ma’am. And I’m also a member of
MESS,” the techie said proudly.

  “MESS?” I sputtered. “What the dag nab does that mean?”

  “Why, that’s Masters of Electronic Structural Success. It’s a very important technology organization. There are over two-hundred thousand member worldwide. It’s an honor to be one of them.”

  My mind was spinning. I felt as if there was a tornado loose in my brain. A twelve-year old boy who belonged to MESS!

  Suddenly the idea struck me funny. I felt a big guffaw of a laugh building up in the back of my throat. It was threatening to explode out my mouth any instant. I swallowed it down the best I could and high-tailed it for the back door.

  “I’ll go tell the Elves you’re here,” I called back over my shoulder as I disappeared through the door.

  My laughter didn’t last long, though. As I tramped through the snow toward the workshop, a sobering question was flashing in my mind like a neon sign. How was I going to convince the Elves to let Nerdy teach them how to build newfangled toys? They’re like me, old fashioned kind of guys. A couple of them are over four-hundred years old! They’re not going to let some whipper-snapper like this Nerdy fellow teach them new tricks.

  It never fails, I thought with a sigh. Just when I think things are finally working out, I’ve got a whole new predicament to deal with.

 

  Chapter 6

  THE PLAN

  When I got to the workshop, I stopped outside the door. I was trying to get up my nerve to go inside. I tried to figure out what I would say to the Elves. How could I explain about Mr. Nerdly in a way they’d understand? After all, no one had EVER told them how to make toys before.

  I crept over to the window and looked in. There they were, all seven-hundred twenty-two of them, working away. There were Elves at assembly lines making bicycles and scooters and red wagons. There were long tables filled with sewing machines where Elves sewed clothes for Barbie and blankets for baby dolls. In the upstairs loft, I could see Elves stuffing cuddly bears and attaching riding sticks to horses’ heads. It broke my heart to see how happy they all looked.

  Am I making a mistake bringing in a techie? I wondered. But in my heart I knew I wasn’t. If the Elves couldn’t make the toys that kids wanted, the days of Santa Claus would be over. The reindeer would have to be turned out to pasture. The Elves would have to be laid off. And The Missus and I would have to retire!

  I took a deep breath and headed for the door. It opened with a loud squeak, but the Elves were too busy with their work to notice. Some bent over their toys, concentrating on getting them just right. Others scurried around the room carrying arm loads of puppets and buckets full of rubber snakes. I took a deep breath. Sawdust and paint smells were in the air, the same as always. I listened to the familiar pounding of hammers and buzzing of saws and wondered how different the workshop would become when the Elves started making electronic toys.

  I cleared my throat and then did it a second time, more loudly. Not a single Elf looked up. Talk about dedication to the job, I thought. There was nothing to do but ring the bright red dinner bell that I had hung by the front door years ago to get their attention.

  BONG! BONG!

  Instantly hammers stopped pounding. Saws stopped buzzing. Sewing machines stopped whirring. And faces popped up all over the workshop and looked at me. Then they broke out in smiles.

  I waved and said warmly, “Hey there, everybody. Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got something important to talk to you about.”

  Each Elf left his work station and crowded to the front of the shop. There were Elves of every size and shape. There were some that were tall and thin. Some that were short and fat. Then there were tall and fat ones. And short and thin ones. Some had long beards. Some had goatees. Some had mustaches and mutton chops. Some were clean shaven. But they all had one thing in common: they were master toy makers.

  When they had all assembled, I cleared my throat to speak. The trouble was, I still didn’t know exactly what to say. They had such happy faces and eager eyes. What I was going to tell them would change their lives forever.

  There is nothing to do but begin, I told myself. They would just have to understand. To adapt. To get up to speed with the times. Yes, siree!

  I opened my mouth. Nothing came out.

  “What is it, Santa,” asked Edgar. He was four-hundred seventeen years old and the spokesman for the group. “Is something wrong?”

  The smiles on all of the Elves faces had turned to quizzical expressions. Some even looked worried.

  “Oh, no,” I said, hurriedly shaking my head. “It’s just that..” I still couldn’t find the words.

  Suddenly the door burst open and Nerdy rushed inside.

  “I couldn’t wait any longer to meet the workers,” the techie said to me in a half apologetic voice. Then turning to the Elves, he went on excitedly, “I’m Nerdy, your techie, and I’m going to teach you to make electronic toys.”

  The Elves mouths dropped open so far that their chins bumped against the floor all at the same time. I knew that there was no turning back now.

  Chapter 7

  ELVES ON STRIKE

  Just then I spotted the large briefcase that Nerdy was carrying. He whipped it onto a table and flipped it open. He didn’t seem to notice that all the Elves were milling around and grumbling among themselves. But, I noticed. It filled me with dread.

  The next thing you know, the techie was taping big sheets of paper all over the walls. They were covered with charts and graphs and diagrams. Then he pulled out electronic toys of all kinds and set them in motion. The robots marched around the room. The baby dolls cried out loud. The super heroes attacked the champions of evil.

  Nerdy still wasn’t paying any attention to the Elves, who by now had gone into a huddle. Their voices were getting louder. And angrier.

  I couldn’t understand what they were saying because they were all talking at once. All I knew was, they were plenty hot under the collar. I started pacing back and forth. What was I going to do?

  Finally Nerdy was ready to speak. “Excuse me, Elves. May I have your attention, please,” the techie shouted. He had an eager grin on his face as if he couldn’t wait to get started.

  The Elves ignored him. They stayed locked in their huddle, ranting and raving to each other. Fists rose in the air. Heads shook in anger. Now and then an Elf would look up from the huddle and frowned straight at me. Then he would bury his head in the huddle again and continue to rant.

  “Excuse me! Excuse me!” Nerdy shouted a little louder. He looked less optimistic than he had a moment ago. I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, either.

  Not one of the Elves looked up.

  I swallowed hard. This wasn’t like them. They were the greatest bunch of guys I’d ever known. I mean, I understood where they were coming from. Starting to use my computer hadn’t been all that easy. But why couldn’t they just be polite and listen to what Nerdy was going to say?

  “Elves, will you please turn around and listen up!” he screeched. By now he had completely lost his cool. His eyes bulged out, and he was chewing on a strand of his pony tail. He threw me a frantic glance. “SC? What am I going to do?”

  “Maybe I can get them to listen,” I said.

  “Hey, guys! Buddies! Yoo-hoo!” I called. “Listen up, would you?”

  I might as well have been spitting into a blizzard for all the good that did. I’d never seen the Elves so riled, and I don’t mind telling you it made me feel uneasy. I needed these guys. These good buddies of mine. Without them, not a single boy or girl would get a present from Santa this year. Christmas would be ruined!

  I raced to the red dinner bell hanging by the front door. It always got their attention. Surely it would now. I rang it as loudly as I co
uld.

  BONG! BONG!

  This time all the Elves got quiet. One by one they stood up straight, twisted around and looked at me.

  I couldn’t help noticing how angry their expressions were. That sent a prickly feeling racing up my back bone.

  “Thanks,” I said, grinning and nodding at the same time. I hoped they wouldn’t notice how nervous I was. “I’d like to introduce Nerdly. He teaches The Missus all about computers. And that’s not all. He’s been to a lot of technology schools and he belong to MESS.”

  For a second, I thought the Elves would break out laughing. Their faces looked startled. Their eyes opened wide. Eyebrows flew up. Then I realized what I had said.

  “Wait a minute,” I said hurriedly. “You don’t understand. MESS is a very important organization. It means...um...Monsters of....”

  Thank goodness Nerdy came to my rescue. “It stands for Masters of Electronic Structural Success!” he blurted. “And it means I know how to make robots, among other things.”

  The Elves looked at Nerdy with their faces stern again. Then they looked a me the same way.